Good things happen when you make peace with your body. Though I am losing weight slowly through embracing a natural diet, I’ve become much more comfortable with my big, beautiful self. I’m full of energy, and life is just more fun. I’ve noticed too, that the way others perceive me now is quite different even though I’m still technically fat. Even though my husband and I are non conventional partners, I’ve even had to start wearing a wedding ring because I’ve begun to receive way too much male attention. I’m not a flirt or a tease, so it is most likely the energy and the confidence. It’s not always good to get just any kind of male attention though. As a big, beautiful woman, I’ve met many so-called “chubby chasers”. Some have a legitimate preference for larger women, but some are predators operating on bizarre stereotypes.
I, personally, never had trouble finding a date from among guys who are not specifically chubby chasers. Most of my boyfriends just found a woman being natural and happy attractive. The women in my family are mostly on the chunky side, but they have good, stable relationships for the most part. So I had very good examples of women who don’t fit the media’s ideal, but understood that this was not the important factor in finding good men. For those out there who may be having some trouble, here are a few pointers I’ve gleaned from family and other positive influences.
Mind how you carry yourself.
Good posture, politeness, and a cheerful disposition make you approachable. People see a confident person who they can identify with and talk to. You make others feel good about themselves because you feel good about yourself, and like to foster positive feelings. When you’re really good at it, you can even stub your toe and shout an expletive, or be eating a footlong with extra relish and make it look classy, but begin with baby steps. Start by straightening out your back, holding your head up, and smiling at every person you make eye contact with as you pass.
“We teach others how to treat us.”
I heard this said on Oprah. If you try to be invisible, that is exactly how guys will treat you. Teach the men around you how to treat you like a lady by treating them like gentlemen. Teach the man you wish to seduce how to charm you by charming him. Teach the man you want to blow off that when you say you’re not interested, you mean it by taking him and yourself seriously. Teach those who may pick on you that you are the wrong target.
There is a big difference between assertiveness and hostility. Assertiveness comes from a place of confidence, while hostility comes from a place of fear. Be fearless in your dealings with others. At the same time, let them know that they have nothing to fear from you so long as their intentions are honorable. When you start a power game out of fear, others will play. View your social interactions as an opportunity to show the power of love, respect, and compassion, not your power to put others down.
The Numbers Game
Out of 100 men, only half may not be media brainwashed enough to need a woman to be under 120 lbs. to love her. Out of those maybe half will find you or any other randomly picked decent woman attractive, but that’s 25. You only need one at a time. Don’t let your confidence be shattered every time it doesn’t work out with a particular guy.
When you let someone screw up your perception of the reality when breaking your heart, you do indeed break. Whatever you need to do to get over the feelings for that particular guy is one thing, but your view of the world should be something separate.
However, do remain aware that age does happen to us all. The older you get, the fewer your long term prospects will be. This should lead you not to take men for granted, but at the same time understand that fewer is not the same as none. All any physical imperfection means is that your potential partners will need to be more true in order to get to stage 1. Less worthy guys just won’t bother, or will reveal themselves to be non committal fairly early in the relationship. Just remember that love isn’t rare. We all needed to be loved at least a little to survive infancy, and people are falling in love every day. There is someone out there who will love you for real, so don’t let someone waste your time. There really are many, many more fish in the sea.
Wear your colors!
If you have a particular interest, such as a football club, animal activism, a craft, whatever, wear symbols of that as you go about your daily business. Wear your Gold’s Gym or Bob Marley t-shirt. Don’t put on an overshirt when you go into the convenience store to get some bottled water while you’re out biking. You are not too fat to wear those brightly colored gym pants and a tankshirt, and show off those hard earned biceps and triceps even if they’ve got a little jelly flap as icing on your fine cake of bad girlness. Guys like women who are interested in the same things they are, and to be honest, we’re mostly the same about guys.
“I don’t think you can handle this…”
Men may be stronger than us on average, but strength has to do with both the mind and the body. So they’re really on the same level as us. Many of the same insecurities we have, they have too, just with a different label. We’re not just mates anymore. We’re competitors. We compete with them for jobs and for recognition. Many guys just can’t cope with a woman who can stare them down, whether that be intellectually, professionally, or physically.
A big woman who is truly active and strong has less of a strength differential than a smaller woman who isn’t as active. She also has more size leverage. If she has martial arts skills, she knows how to use it. It shouldn’t make that much of a difference in dating because the average guy is usually still stronger than a relatively strong woman. Be aware however, that many men find a big strong woman extremely intimidating. You may be treated with more hostility and verbal abuse for being active than you would if you were weak and always complaining about your weight.
Fat people, especially women, are the last group it’s still politically correct to pick on, and some people take every opportunity. The ones who will curse you in public or reject you outright are the least of your worries. It’s the stealthy ones who target you for sexual attention because they think you’re easier and your standards are lower, that you have to worry about. Their dark side doesn’t usually come out until you pass on their offer. Suddenly the truth comes out and they start making weight slurs.
The best way to handle guys who can’t handle you and start trying to socially “put you in your place” is basically the same way you’d handle a catty girl. Don’t let them take you to a dark place where you end up in a verbal catfight with a guy. Nowadays, some guys aren’t worried enough about how such behavior makes them look. So you have to look out for yourself and really in that situation, be the better “man”.
Being impervious to the cattiness of the riff raff, both outshined women and outclassed men, is very sexy. It is a special feminine strength that helps every successful female celebrity, politician, or even local or family matriarch gain people’s respect and admiration. For the special guys who are strong enough to handle you, it triggers a kind of nurturing and protective urge, which is one of the seeds of romantic familial love. When a guy looks at you and doesn’t just think he’d like to get with you, but that he’s also got to make you a part of his family, that’s a keeper.
Take it easy.
Don’t worry too much when you get a guy’s attention. Unless he says something to indicate that he finds you unattractive, don’t give him grief about whether or not he really thinks you’re pretty. Take it as a given, especially if he’s told you so. Of course after that you’ll have to deal with whether or not he just wants to get you into bed, or really cares, but that’s a separate issue. Just enjoy the attention. Stand your ground as far as your principles and standards, but enjoy the attention. You’ll find that if you take my advice, you’ll get A LOT of it.
Good luck ladies!:-)